I have had a moment of clarity. I know why I hate going to the pharmacy. It’s because I feel vulnerable there. I don’t want to need pharmaceuticals; they force me to acknowledge I am not a permanently healthy superhuman. As the icing on this prickly emo-cake, there are the pharmacy interactions.
This happened at the drive-through window.
CVS MAN: That will be three dollars. And do you have an ExtraCare card?
BIGFOOT: I don’t have a card, but you guys usually just use my phone number. It’s 401-444-4444.
CVS: Okay, so 414…
BF: No, 444—
BF: No. You can actually just enter the phone number from the prescription label; do you see it there?
CVS: Oh. Right.
(Consults label, enters number, consults label, scrolls through computer screen…)
CVS: (Skeptically) So what name is on the account?
BF: My name.
CVS: (Scoffs.) Okay, well, you see here with that number I have a Steve, a Regina, a Thomas…
BF: Using the phone number on the label?
BF: Is the number on the label 401-444-4444?
CVS: What was that again? 4-1-4… (Looks at label again, astonished.)
CVS: Oh, okay. Bigfoot?
BF: Yes, that’s me.
CVS: That’s why we don’t use the number from your prescription label, see? (Wink-points with the sideways mouth cheek suck in noise used by world weary know-it-alls.)
BF: (Usually willing to be cheek suck-noised by world weary know-it-alls, but not at this moment.) Did you enter the phone number from the label? I don’t have any other phone numbers, and you just texted me five minutes ago (waggles phone) to come pick up the prescription so…
CVS: Noooo (still quite certain Bigfoot is still trying to pull one over on him), the first number I entered was for Steve, Regina, and Thomas.
BF: (This part is imaginary.) That Regina thing’s on you! I don’t need medicine! I am superhuman! One phone number! Twenty years same number! Rrrrrrrrr.
CVS: Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?
Despite the moment of clarity, I am thin-skinned enough about the human condition that I will be parsing this interaction all night.
Does the CVS man think I am trying to illegally transfer 40% off Neutrogena eye makeup coupons to another family?
Who are Steve, Regina, et al?
Why am I always at the pharmacy?