12809541_10154054026464558_4829177095748297522_nI have had a moment of clarity. I know why I hate going to the pharmacy. It’s because I feel vulnerable there. I don’t want to need pharmaceuticals; they force me to acknowledge I am not a permanently healthy superhuman. As the icing on this prickly emo-cake, there are the pharmacy interactions.

This happened at the drive-through window.

CVS MAN: That will be three dollars. And do you have an ExtraCare card?

BIGFOOT: I don’t have a card, but you guys usually just use my phone number. It’s 401-444-4444.

CVS: Okay, so 414…

BF: No, 444—

CVS: 114?

BF: No. You can actually just enter the phone number from the prescription label; do you see it there?

CVS: Oh. Right.

(Consults label, enters number, consults label, scrolls through computer screen…)

CVS: (Skeptically) So what name is on the account?

BF: My name.

CVS: (Scoffs.Okay, well, you see here with that number I have a Steve, a Regina, a Thomas…

BF: Using the phone number on the label?

CVS: Mmmhmm.

BF: Is the number on the label 401-444-4444?

CVS: What was that again? 4-1-4… (Looks at label again, astonished.)

BF: …

CVS: Oh, okay. Bigfoot?

BF: Yes, that’s me.

CVS: That’s why we don’t use the number from your prescription label, see? (Wink-points with the sideways mouth cheek suck in noise used by world weary know-it-alls.)

BF: (Usually willing to be cheek suck-noised by world weary know-it-alls, but not at this moment.) Did you enter the phone number from the label? I don’t have any other phone numbers, and you just texted me five minutes ago (waggles phone) to come pick up the prescription so…

CVS: Noooo (still quite certain Bigfoot is still trying to pull one over on him), the first number I entered was for Steve, Regina, and Thomas.

BF: (This part is imaginary.) That Regina thing’s on you! I don’t need medicine! I am superhuman! One phone number! Twenty years same number! Rrrrrrrrr.

CVS: Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?

Despite the moment of clarity, I am thin-skinned enough about the human condition that I will be parsing this interaction all night.

Does the CVS man think I am trying to illegally transfer 40% off Neutrogena eye makeup coupons to another family?

Who are Steve, Regina, et al?

Why am I always at the pharmacy?



Bigfoot say other thing

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