12809541_10154054026464558_4829177095748297522_nI have had a moment of clarity. I know why I hate going to the pharmacy. It’s because I feel vulnerable there. I don’t want to need pharmaceuticals; they force me to acknowledge I am not a permanently healthy superhuman. As the icing on this prickly emo-cake, there are the pharmacy interactions.

This happened at the drive-through window.

CVS MAN: That will be three dollars. And do you have an ExtraCare card?

BIGFOOT: I don’t have a card, but you guys usually just use my phone number. It’s 401-444-4444.

CVS: Okay, so 414…

BF: No, 444—

CVS: 114?

BF: No. You can actually just enter the phone number from the prescription label; do you see it there?

CVS: Oh. Right.

(Consults label, enters number, consults label, scrolls through computer screen…)

CVS: (Skeptically) So what name is on the account?

BF: My name.

CVS: (Scoffs.Okay, well, you see here with that number I have a Steve, a Regina, a Thomas…

BF: Using the phone number on the label?

CVS: Mmmhmm.

BF: Is the number on the label 401-444-4444?

CVS: What was that again? 4-1-4… (Looks at label again, astonished.)

BF: …

CVS: Oh, okay. Bigfoot?

BF: Yes, that’s me.

CVS: That’s why we don’t use the number from your prescription label, see? (Wink-points with the sideways mouth cheek suck in noise used by world weary know-it-alls.)

BF: (Usually willing to be cheek suck-noised by world weary know-it-alls, but not at this moment.) Did you enter the phone number from the label? I don’t have any other phone numbers, and you just texted me five minutes ago (waggles phone) to come pick up the prescription so…

CVS: Noooo (still quite certain Bigfoot is still trying to pull one over on him), the first number I entered was for Steve, Regina, and Thomas.

BF: (This part is imaginary.) That Regina thing’s on you! I don’t need medicine! I am superhuman! One phone number! Twenty years same number! Rrrrrrrrr.

CVS: Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?

Despite the moment of clarity, I am thin-skinned enough about the human condition that I will be parsing this interaction all night.

Does the CVS man think I am trying to illegally transfer 40% off Neutrogena eye makeup coupons to another family?

Who are Steve, Regina, et al?

Why am I always at the pharmacy?



One comment

  1. As a writer of the sassy, savvy, insane yooFEMisms we A-L-L go through in this finite existence, I as well as you gotta lotta angst, too, and the synonymous metaphors which shall creeep stealthily across thy brain like the vivid, brazen dawn are the cohesion which brings U.S. together, girl.

    So, see if you cannot subliminally ‘read-between-the-lines’ or VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI (Latin: words to the wise): here’s summore symbiotically-explosive-coolness done in sardonic satires when we passed-away:

    Here’s what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: ‘the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you’ -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

    Go git’m, girl. You’re incredible.
    See you Upstairs…


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