Beware the Coffee


Who, me? Well, okay.

Today basketball. Teammate’s parent sit in front Bigfoot, drink cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee w. 2nd cup of (unopened) coffee by side. Bigfoot start wanting coffee. Bigfoot start staring at coffee. Ooh, pretty red-green holiday cup. JOY.

Bigfoot not even like coffee. Bigfoot especially dislike DD coffee. Extra especially dislike the way other people doctor up coffee w. sugar or Splenda or milk, and really dislike coffee not hot anymore. And Bigfoot barely know coffee woman.

But after first quarter, w. zero self-permission pursue coffee, Bigfoot say hello and ask, “Did your coffee date stand you up?” Woman—so, so, so nice—said brought coffee for coach, but coach not want, and would Bigfoot (so nice!) want?

Really? Are you sure? I would love it. Oh my gosh yes thank you.

But it’s just black. Is that okay?

Seriously? That’s how I like it! This is amazing. I feel so lucky.

And it’s Snickerdoodle flavor. So if you don’t mind that…

That sounds incredible. Thank you so much.

Contrary expectation but not reason, coffee terrible. Like lick goat butt and scratch-n-sniff sticker of cupcake simultaneously. And lukewarm. And sweet. “It’s just black,” woman said. Black in coffee realm = nothing added, no? Bigfoot hand coffee to Joe/murmur, “Does this taste sweet to you?”


But is it like sugar sweet or like artificial sweet?

It’s definitely something.



Bigfoot drink coffee. Continued terrible but Bigfoot persevere, not want seem ungrateful horrible coffee. Also difficult release daydream of self drinking delicious hot beverage. Soon Bigfoot gazing into the middle distance, unable focus goo-goo Snickerdoodle eyes on basketball game. Feel odd brain shift overcome, but not psychedelic/fun. Also floaters in eyes. Yet remain capable Google nutrition information.

Medium DD Snick-D coffee plain have 39g CHO.  Like Woody Allen movie food so bad/portions so small, but coffee so bad. Yes, and it has so much carbohydrate.

Probably every grown up knows flavored coffee = CHO coffee. News for Bigfoot. Shocked. Appalled. Drank every drop.




  1. mollyjade · December 15, 2014

    I would have assumed the same thing you did. That black meant no milk/sugar/syrup.


  2. Need A Nap2 · December 15, 2014

    CHO? Seriously?? I wouldn’t have thought that either but Need not drink coffee either. 🙂


  3. Scott E · December 15, 2014

    This surprises me — I would’ve thought that black coffee means nothing added (except for iced-coffee, they tend to like to sneak flavor syrups and stuff in there). But maybe this just holds true for black BREWED coffee. If it comes from one of those fancy machines that dispenses the hot beverage when you press the button, it’s probably some sort of syrupy concentrate. But I really don’t know if it works if you mix sugar with coffee grounds in a drip-brew.

    With that said, I don’t like any flavored coffee except for coffee-flavored coffee. The hazelnuts and mochas and pumpkin spices and stuff all smell nice (and are CHO-free in my experience), but the taste is adulterated. I’ll take pure coffee over that stuff any day.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Karen · December 17, 2014

    What??? Plain black flavored coffee has carbs? I didn’t know that and I LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee. But I don’t love Dunkin Donuts coffee, so maybe that’s why I’m so clueless? I love Starbucks, where I’m currently addicted to Gingerbread Lattes which I know are super carby so it’s no big surprise that I need to bolus.

    Anyway, I always love the way you describe things and thanks for a much needed laugh at ” lick goat butt and scratch-n-sniff sticker of cupcake simultaneously”.


  5. Francesco · December 19, 2014

    ‘Tis the season to be jolly- lights and decorations are popping up, stores are packed with cheery gift shoppers and most of you have already begun having dinners and parties with your friends

    I wanted to share with you a great article about surviving the holidays


  6. Melissa B · December 30, 2014

    Haaaaaa, dying.

    “Continued terrible but Bigfoot persevere, not want seem ungrateful horrible coffee.”


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