Bigfoot not anal retentive, but possibly pee retentive.
E.g. force self finish empty silverware compartment dishwasher, even if must hop foot to foot. Then maybe tack on finish empty rest of dishwasher and wipe off counter. Then maybe polish counter little bit. Then maybe also fold rag. Maybe then also drape rag over oven handle. And make sure straight. Then, at last, bathroom break (w. near accident if outfit includes hook-and-eye closure golf skirt or anything w. button-fly.)
Meanwhile, maybe also hypoglycemia retentive?
Realize bad idea, but breakfast eat banana bread (approx. 35g? 50g? CHO) peanut butter & milky tea. Too carby, but sure no real harm bc peanut butter buffer. Okay? 2 hours later driving w. Bubs into Providence, attempt buy ceramic crockery w. spigot for kombucha manufacture. Notice feel low. Crap.
Next comes feeling of please bring me a Nutella vat so I may submerge my head in it. Test at stoplight. 61. Little bit sweaty. Little bit quivery.
Rummage in Bubs’s d-bag. Skittles. Fuck no. Dip back in, rummage rummage. Glucolift from Sucrets box decorated like T-Slim pump? Not Bigfoot scene. Why no Easter-theme mini Snickers? Why no Kind bar? Apple? Clementine? Nothing. Amy Mann singing Cigarettes and Red Vines. Green light. I would not eat Red Vines. I would smoke the cigarette and monitor the effect of the tobacco with a Dexcom. Is a Red Vines like a giant Twizzlers? I would not eat Twizzlers. That would cause choking. Impossible to chew up finely enough. I would eat m&ms. I would eat peanut m&ms. I would eat hot fudge. I would eat hot pudding. Low low low.
This is so stupid. I am sure this will even out on its own in a minute.
MATURE LADY BRAIN: You could pull over until it does.
Shut up. This can not even be happening. It was banana bread with peanut butter. Stop being so fucking dramatic about everything.
Formulate treatment plan: miso soup en route crockery shop. Miso soup delicious! No parking by sushi bar, drive around block few times. Mom? Where are we going?
Finally park. Approach hostess, brim w. false composure: two, please.
BUBS: Mom, is it gluten free?
HOSTESS: All of the fish is gluten free
(Etc. excruciatingly long conversation about gluten free/not gluten free.)
(Just play the 2048 game and stop asking me stuff. <—not say out loud. Rummaging in d-bag for chocolate.) (Still none.)
(Excruciatingly long discussion of what to order. Isn’t this nice? Could we come here again since it’s gluten free? We could come again with Jacky and Daddy…) (KID! OH MY GOD! STOP TALKING! I NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON NOT FALLING OVER.)
Miso soup almost immediate. Thank you! Bigfoot drink in approx. one gulp.
Then wait. All surrounding parties eat, pay, leave. New patrons arrive, eat/pay/leave. Repeat.
Entire hour later, gluten free bento boxes arrive. Devour like Fantastic Mr. Fox. After, waitress bring complimentary giant bowl green tea ice cream w. apologies for lunch service so slow. Hypo-Bigfoot roar I DIDN’T EVEN REALLY CARE IF IT WAS GLUTEN FREE I WAS JUST TRYING TO TRICK MY KID INTO THINKING I AM CAPABLE. Somehow normal Bigfoot inhabit hypo-Bigfoot body long enough say
Oh, we don’t mind. It was probably hard to make everything right with the whole gluten separation thing. I’m grateful that they were so careful
as face cave in like dry apple doll and body melt into floor from no available energy for maintain human conformation.
After lunch: 155. Still feel low. The fuck? Arrive culinary shop. Purchase spigotted crockery. Bubs holds up Mast Bros. chocolate is this gluten free? Imagine insert entire bar in face. Wait. 72% darkness level. Barely sweet. No, sorry honey. I don’t think it is.
Home: 180. Still feel low. Banana. Handful almonds. Head on kitchen counter. Help. Spouse arrive. Are you okay? Leeemeeealone.
Reactive hypoglycemia familiar from post-OGTT glucose sludge drink, but not post banana bread w. peanut butter and X amount crumbly overflow bits**. SO: getting worse, and fast? Or maybe getting better (i.e. more insulin, still bad timing, but more insulin = more living beta cells?) AND ALSO: Whole new game because now no gall bladder? Gall bladder even a factor? Surgery kick deterioration process into high gear?
Moral of story:
When you are low, just eat the glucose tab or Skittles. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy it.
Don’t ever, ever eat the delicious banana bread from the How Can It Be Gluten Free Cookbook again.
**One of life’s great pleasures: unquantifiable crumbly overflow bits of baked goods! (Farewell kiss.)