Rude

Confessions to Miss Manners:

  • I tested in the vestibule of our Whole Foods, oblivious that my position was blocking other shoppers’ access to an entire row of carts in the cart corral
  • Tested while talking to my mom on the phone
  • Tested while wearing a short skirt, posed in an unladylike semi-squat behind the cash register counter in a friend’s shop
  • Tested upon entering the car, in a crowded parking lot, having raised the hopes of an innocent driver/spot-seeker who meanwhile had to wait with her blinker on while I zippered the case all the way closed upon test completion and then proceeded to make a grocery list
  • While saying “shit” in the presence of small children
  • At a funeral the day before Memorial Day, while wearing white espadrilles, a fuchsia sequined tube top, and an Adventuretime mask
  • While discussing the consistency of my feces as people near me ate pudding
  • While not replying to a wedding invitation
  • Tested while making armpit fart noises during the silent meditation time at church
  • While asking a friend how much she paid for her shoes and how much she weighs and why she never had children
  • While honking at an elderly pedestrian couple, because they were preventing me from making a right turn on red
  • While performing ostentatious shoulder-shimmies in a cabaret, and attempting to stand in front of a young girl tap dancing
  • While using my nationally syndicated column to publicly chastise a chronically ill person for doing something I didn’t understand but had a feeling was repulsive
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11 comments

  1. cbwinchild · February 22, 2014

    Was that the tv star you chastised and can i have a look at that tube top?

    Like

  2. Susan Ramsey · February 22, 2014

    Love this!

    Like

  3. scully · February 22, 2014

    finally a decent response to the stupid miss manners thing. I haven’t read a single one because I know I’ll just be rolling my eyes and hating on people. BUT, as soon as I saw this I’m like, Oh yes I’ll read that. 🙂

    Like

  4. Larry Here · February 22, 2014

    Perfect. Perfectly hilarious. And I think I’ll wait a few days to eat that last pudding from the fridge.

    Like

  5. Scott E · February 22, 2014

    You’ve inspired me to set new goals in life: to test while simultaneously making armpit fart noises (but I’m not going to church, dammit!)

    Like

  6. Katy · February 22, 2014

    You guys are really nice. I feel bad about what I said re pudding.

    Like

    • Larry Here · February 22, 2014

      Re: Pudding – It had to be said. I’ll be OK, but hopefully MM will never enjoy it ever again.

      Like

  7. Heather · February 23, 2014

    Right on, Katy! I’ve had type 1 for 24 years, and I test wherever, whenever! If people don’t like it, they don’t have to look.

    Like

  8. StephenS · February 24, 2014

    Thanks for the smiles. Great post.

    Like

  9. mollyjade · February 24, 2014

    Like

  10. Scott K. Johnson · February 26, 2014

    Ok, this made me smile from ear to ear. You are so awesome. 🙂

    Like

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