Confessions to Miss Manners:

  • I tested in the vestibule of our Whole Foods, oblivious that my position was blocking other shoppers’ access to an entire row of carts in the cart corral
  • Tested while talking to my mom on the phone
  • Tested while wearing a short skirt, posed in an unladylike semi-squat behind the cash register counter in a friend’s shop
  • Tested upon entering the car, in a crowded parking lot, having raised the hopes of an innocent driver/spot-seeker who meanwhile had to wait with her blinker on while I zippered the case all the way closed upon test completion and then proceeded to make a grocery list
  • While saying “shit” in the presence of small children
  • At a funeral the day before Memorial Day, while wearing white espadrilles, a fuchsia sequined tube top, and an Adventuretime mask
  • While discussing the consistency of my feces as people near me ate pudding
  • While not replying to a wedding invitation
  • Tested while making armpit fart noises during the silent meditation time at church
  • While asking a friend how much she paid for her shoes and how much she weighs and why she never had children
  • While honking at an elderly pedestrian couple, because they were preventing me from making a right turn on red
  • While performing ostentatious shoulder-shimmies in a cabaret, and attempting to stand in front of a young girl tap dancing
  • While using my nationally syndicated column to publicly chastise a chronically ill person for doing something I didn’t understand but had a feeling was repulsive

11 responses to “Rude

  1. Was that the tv star you chastised and can i have a look at that tube top?


  2. finally a decent response to the stupid miss manners thing. I haven’t read a single one because I know I’ll just be rolling my eyes and hating on people. BUT, as soon as I saw this I’m like, Oh yes I’ll read that. 🙂


  3. Larry Here

    Perfect. Perfectly hilarious. And I think I’ll wait a few days to eat that last pudding from the fridge.


  4. You’ve inspired me to set new goals in life: to test while simultaneously making armpit fart noises (but I’m not going to church, dammit!)


  5. Katy

    You guys are really nice. I feel bad about what I said re pudding.


  6. Heather

    Right on, Katy! I’ve had type 1 for 24 years, and I test wherever, whenever! If people don’t like it, they don’t have to look.


  7. Thanks for the smiles. Great post.


  8. Ok, this made me smile from ear to ear. You are so awesome. 🙂


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