My PHONE is also a CAMERA

Since I lost my phone, this is the only picture I have. Courtesy of beneficent holiday guest.

Since I left my phone somewhere weird, this is the picture I have. Courtesy of beneficent holiday guest.

Merry merry. Very merry.

OMG cliche but how true: diabetes not leave town for holiday. Instead necessitate performance art of weird food, well-intentioned visiting persons varying degrees of caring too much (nosy)/not caring enough (inconsiderate), extra activity or extra lethargy, plus layer of pressure create ambiance of nothing interesting going on here with beeps and buzzes and pokes/never mind these eyeball braces, just wear for prevent over-rolling as listen description inherently carbs-laden food actually zero carbs because not macerated in sugar; even though whatever-maker wanted to macerate, made ultimate sacrifice and left whatevers as nature made them. Thank you.

Dexcom not work all day–>crossed off martini glass. Know from last technical supporter: static electricity problem. As prescribed, introduce unbent paperclip into secret hole until vibration/restart screen. What restart screen? Feel vibration, sure. But only see normal screen, still w. crossed-off MG. Meanwhile senior generation member boast—as if attempt bond over Dexcom not work/general problem of Today’s technology farging incroyable—my phone is also my camera. I can use it as a camera and then show you the pictures immediately in what they call “a slide show.”

Repeat paperclip procedure. Same result. Repeat. Same. Repeat, feel insane. Same. Repeat insane/feel now super-insane. Same result, sigh.

Also try stop/start sensor. 5x. Five times not even attempt ritual wetting. Five times wetting phase approx 10 minutes, then aggressive triple buzz warning crossed off martini OUT OF RANGE.

At last, brain click on & remember homespun internet solution: rub receiver/transmitter w. dryer sheet. For thorough, rub entire abdomen; for luck, leave dryer sheet under child’s shirt. Magic not happen. After 12+ hours, finally select Shut Down.

Not cry for Bigfoot. Happy stay awake late night/post peppermint bark BG check because middle of Season 3 Breaking Bad, and confident things return normal function &/or call Technical Support tomorrow.

Previous meanwhile, weeks in advance Christmas heart load up w. fret re gluten free. Turn out no biggie, same same foods all possible & diabetes reign supreme dickass holiday thorn. Below for future reference = normal holiday menu w. GF newcomers:


cinnamon muffin (stand-in for cinnamon bun); *grapefruits & oranges from the stocking; *prosecco mimosas


*fruit salad; quiches (<–crust = hashbrowns); *bacon (pig) & turkey bacon (cooked in pig fat); bagels/bagels; *smoked salmon/cream cheese/capers/red onion; banana bread baked in mini-bundt pan (stand-in for coffee cake); *giant green salad; crackers; *cheeses; *nuts; *peanut m&ms; *prosecco mimosas; *Izze & Izze-esque; *coffee


*smoked salmon/chocolate/salad/cheese/apples with peanut butter/crepes w. spinach + bacon shards

* = no GF trick required


3 responses to “My PHONE is also a CAMERA

  1. Anonymous

    Aahahahaaaa eyeball braces… Love.


  2. Anonymous

    Oh, so sneaky, I’m anonymous. I have super power of anonymity. If you can guess who this is you will win a prize worthy of your powers of deduction.


  3. First gluten free Christmas with my family too, it actually wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.


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