Holiday Shopping Disorder

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I can’t stop buying all of these things I wouldn’t want anyone to eat anyway. Because: holiday packaging + gluten free = Must Obtain.

Holiday season = irrational joy re gluten free junk foods.

Each thing, so happy to see, buy/take home (& fast!) as if rescue orphan puppy from blizzard. Hide in pantry for post-Thanksgiving surprise. Upon reflect, realize not usually eat these foods. Just so happy exist. Feel like person from The Impulsive Buy but celiac disease edition. Must. Have. All. Things.

Traditional m&ms (plain, peanut, almond) gluten free! Toblerone too.

Lindt truffle balls: no. Lindt teddy bears/angels: no.

Ghirardelli: yes. Unless cookie type.

the bold print on the front of the package certainly spoke to this consumer.

the bold print on the front of the snacky bar package certainly spoke to this consumer, who blithely assumed the 6 ingredients would probably be shit like dates, nuts, seeds, some other kind of nuts, some other kind of seeds, and a pinch of salt.

This issue not strictly limited holiday items. Pretty much any item self-reports gluten free, feel urgently compelled purchase. Just bought 6-ingredient snacky bars w. GLUTEN FREE label front/center.

but then there's this

But then there’s this. Who is the audience for this statement, if not me? And why bother saying it; why not shut up after the front part of the label? This is like hiring a babysitter to drive your child to karate. And you begin to mildly suspect they might be drunk. And you’re a cop. So you give them a breathalizer test. And they’re not drunk at all. And then they say, “And I never drink alcohol.” And then just as the car pulls out of the driveway and you’re waving goodbye from the front porch, the babysitter calls out from the open car window I MEAN I *COULD* BE DRUNK, I MEAN I GUESS IT’S *POSSIBLE*

At home saw fine print–shared equipment w. wheat. But pretty sure GLUTEN FREE label  = highly regulated designation indicating < 20 parts per million. So trumps “shared equipment” warning? But then why bother mention shared equipment?

“shared equipment” warning + GLUTEN FREE label, then = SAFE because proven < 20 ppm

or

if “shared equipment” warning + GLUTEN FREE label, then = the food, as food, is gluten free but…maybe we rubbed gluten all over this food and—who knows?—all over our hineys! And then—again, who can say?—maybe we also pressed our gluten-rubbed hineys against the food as a friendly, shared-equipment bonus

?

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4 responses to “Holiday Shopping Disorder

  1. Earthling

    Food psychosis. Happens all food-challenged humans. Not worry. Will pass. ❤

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  2. wimpy food producer afraid lawsuit?

    Like

  3. If I don’t see gluten-containing ingredients on the label I will buy even if it says “May contain…” But I’m probably not the model PWC (person with celiac). I just hate feeling like I have to pay twice as much for the box to say “GF”. Its SO EXPENSIVE! Lindt balls can bite me. That was a major sad factor when I discovered that all Lindt milk choco has barley in it :(!!!!!

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  4. Mary Margaret

    The GF labeling rules aren’t in effect yet.
    I will buy the candy cane cookies when I see them. I’m a fool for peppermint. And I bought one of each of the three flavors of Midel pie crust. I’m going to have to freeze them because I make about 2 pies a year.

    Like

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