hairdo + don’t

Dream Nurse absent school three days now. Monday: no nurse. Tuesday: nurse from temp agency. Wednesday: same nurse from temp agency. (Not same sub nurse last time.) This frightening experience showcase Dream Nurse dreaminess. Example:

Sub nurse unable read doctor’s order in Bubs’s school file. Bigfoot explain all, e.g. translate carb: insulin ratio (1:30) mean one unit insulin per 30 carbs in food. Sub nurse say, “So for example, if he ate sixty carbs, would he need an insulin injection?”

And tell Bigfoot, “I’ve taken care of lots of diabetics, but they’ve all had Type One Juvenile diabetes.”

And this: “Now, when it’s time for insulin, will Bubs be able to show me how to purge the air bubble?”

Probably sick it take Bigfoot so long realize nurse not safe for Bubs. Bigfoot decide go in self that day, do finger pricks/injection. No biggie.

Meanwhile, Bigfoot hair very bad situation so keep salon appointment. Determine Bubs OK test own blood sugar in morning while Bigfoot beautify, then Bigfoot lunchtime/afternoon time care. Not feel worry. Bubs 100% pro for test blood sugar. Pretty hair important.

Bigfoot in salon chair 15 minutes when Sub Nurse call. “Well, I just thought I should call, because when Bubs did his blood sugar test the meter just read L-O. What does that mean? I’ve never seen that before.”

BFOOT: It means he’s low! He’s never been this low. He needs sugar!

SNURSE: Well, he seems fine. He doesn’t feel low.

BFOOT: He has glucose tablets in his kit—he should have three right away.

SNURSE: Oh, all right. But don’t you think he should have something more substantial? Some peanut butter crackers?

BFOOT: No! He needs plain sugar, to get his blood sugar to go back up quickly.

Bigfoot still not panic. This calm thanks part know Bubs feel OK/part think it equipment malfunction/part really want finish get hair done. Because how low is L-O? Under 40? If 30’s, Bigfoot sure Bubs feel very shaky, very sick. Bubs woozy even 68, 72 now. Must be equipment problem. Fifteen minutes later Sub Nurse call back.

SNURSE: Well, now Bubs is at 66. So that’s good.

BFOOT: That’s still really low.

SNURSE: Remind me, what kind of number are you looking for exactly?

BFOOT: He should be over 80. He needs more sugar, please just give him three more glucose tablets and test again in 15 minutes. Just like we talked about when we went over the plan from the doctor.

SNURSE: He really feels fine. You know, he told me he had a pancake for breakfast. Usually, it is preferred that a diabetic have complex carbohydrates in the morning.

BFOOT: You stupid douchebag! You saggy baggy clumpy mascara/Christmas theme sweater! I can’t believe you don’t even know that Juvenile diabetes IS Type One, that you don’t know how to read doctor’s orders, and that you couldn’t figure out that L-O means LOW. (Bigfoot not say any of that, also not release Tourette’s stream in mind shit-fuck-piss-puss-knicknack paddywhack-complex carbohydrate asshole-not even mention protein-dung brain-wrap gifts-bake seven layer bars-red velvet yogurt…)

BFOOT: He really does need more glucose, even if he’s feeling OK. He needs to get up over 80.

Bigfoot catch glimpse self in salon mirror: foil plates all over head. It difficult take self seriously this position. Visually ridiculous, also ridiculous leave diabetic child in care of ding-a-ling w/warning label, expect good result.

SNURSE: (in long-suffering voice)…all right.

Fifteen minutes later, Sub Nurse call again.

SNURSE: He’s up to 153.

BFOOT: Hooray! That’s great! Thank you!

SNURSE: So, is that OK now? Do you think he needs more of a snack?

BFOOT: Nope.

SNURSE: I just gave him 46 grams of food from his lunchbox…


BFOOT: Ohhhkay. Thanks so much for taking care of him. I’ll be in at noon for lunch. With a new fucking lunch since you GAVE HIM HIS LUNCH ALREADY

When Bigfoot arrive at noon, hair fantastic. No enrage. Float in, say hello Sub Nurse, say thank you so much for taking care of Bubs today, consider apologize pancake. Reconsider: mascara all over upper eyelid, both right and left but asymmetrical. Now so busy fiddle dusty radio. Sub Nurse ask Bigfoot what station good for 24 hour Christmas music. 93.3? Ask Bigfoot: do you know, is there something wrong with the antenna on this radio?



  1. Kay Tarson · December 22, 2011

    I’m pretty impressed there was not a murder in — RI, today. I’m also thinking about how the parents in our (Texas) area schools must feel since Rick Perry refused to use the Rainy Day Fund, and instead laid off 75% of our school nurses. Some schools don’t even have nurse’s aides.


  2. Tricia Wilhelm · December 22, 2011

    Very scary! Would be safer to have no nurse than incompetent “nurse”.


  3. Angelam · December 23, 2011

    Oh god. You are a better person than I would be in that situation. Sounds like science and math are not her forte. I’m also with you on the hair-holidays thing.


  4. Isabelle · December 31, 2011

    Cat butt.


  5. Isabelle · January 2, 2012

    Hot damn!


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