Both Sides Now

Warning: This is petty. I am confident no one in my family of origin will ever read this. If some one of you does, please know that this is how I process how incredibly annoying you are. It does not indicate actual hatred. I love you. Also a lot of you are not annoying at all. The intended audience is not you.

I should never leave my house for more than a few hours at a time.

What a great time we had getting together with our family this week!

CUPCAKE

Oh, you bought beautiful, giant cupcakes for everyone at the dinner party? I wish you’d told me sooner. I could have purchased a similarly-exciting gluten free cupcake so my child could have been part of things.

I got to visit a boutique-y local grocery store that sells frozen gluten free mini cheesecakes.

S’MORES

After the dinner party and a walk though the woods, there were surprise(!) s’mores and a campfire, and no gluten free graham crackers. I continue to feel completely trampled by this lack of consideration. I mean on one hand, it’s no big deal. On the other hand, it’s so mean! 

No positive spin available. Yum, toasted marshmallows!

BEACH

Here’s the whole gang at the beach:

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Ahh, what a beautiful day.

Seeing that the other beach-goers in our group were packing snacks—mostly Triscuits and beer—I grabbed the trail mix I’d brought from home. I’m working on permanently repressing the memory of Goldfish cracker-encrusted hands digging into it.

In this picture we can see our hero rooting through trail mix dregs, trying to avoid craisins, but trying to eat as much of it as possible before the normies gobble it all up.

In this picture we can see our hero rooting through trail mix dregs, carefully enough to avoid craisins, yet frantically enough to eat as much as possible before the normies gobble it all up.

FISH TACO NIGHT

We set up a fish taco bar and then an ice cream sundae bar when it was our turn to make dinner. This was a huge relief, since we knew the carb content of every component, and that everything was gluten free. And it seemed like everyone liked what we made, except for one good sport who heaped her plate with tortilla chips and one lime wedge.

Yeah, great, you're having frozen yogurt.

Hmm, what? Yeah, great, you’re having frozen yogurt.

**SUPER-PETTY BONUS WARNING**

Don’t think we didn’t notice one person pulling out from the pantry a few giant chocolate chip cookies to supplement our ice cream sundae bar which I guess he had deemed too meager. (Just some ice creams, two kinds of m&m’s, hot fudge sauce, whipped cream, macerated berries, and walnuts.) This last bit is even less gluten-related, but the chocolate chip cookie person also went into the freezer for a frozen yogurt pop and made a big drama about how he was having a healthy dessert while we all ate ice cream. And then he had an ice cream sundae.

TOAST

Toastabags are handy. No need to BYOT(oaster) on trips! Easy to pack, and reusable up to 80 times!

Someone ate the last of our gluten free bagels. It was pretty sweet that—within a few hours—another family member had gone to the trouble of buying more gf bagels. But they were raisin bagels and meanwhile someone else (probably the Udi’s-devourer) had polished off the plain “please no gluten knives” cream cheese, leaving only glutened scallion cream cheese. For raisin bagels. Which we couldn’t toast anyway, since some shitwad threw away our Toastabag. So let me make sure I’ve got this right: that’ll be a raisin (yuck) bagel toasted sans Toastabag with scallion (hi, raisins) cream cheese which has been tainted with gluten by several crumby knives. For the child (picky eater) who already took a murder-weapon dose of insulin. (Or six units.)

ROOTBEER EFFECT

Rootbeer will not sustain you.

Rootbeer just doesn’t seem to sustain a person.

Rootbeer for breakfast (after raisin bagel bolus before realizing cream cheese/Toastabag thing) = amazingly perfect blood sugar all morning! (Followed by treacherous dip 2h pp, in car, with Diet Coke and a lime on hand.)

FATE.

FATE.

A bottle of Glucolift fits perfectly in our car console, so it’s always there.

TALONS

When it was time to depart, a person who didn’t talk to me much during the visit got right up close to me, one hand in pocket/the other hand at waist level, palm-down, but with his middle finger pointing at me and moving with a jabbing motion, and said he had been watching me, and noticed all of the things I do to take care of my family, and that Joe and I are amazing parents. And I said AYFKM? That is so creepy. I didn’t really say that. But isn’t that creepy? Like the person is trying to be nice by saying they’ve been watching you struggle, but from a distance like an evil bird who has been kicking back with his scaly claw-feet up on a hassock, deciding whether or not to attack you? But then the evil bird has decided you are worthy of not being attacked? And now all that is left is for you to swoon with gratitude for the evil bird’s praise?

ALMOST HOME

So good.

So good.

On the way home, we were running out of gas, and stopped in an unfamiliar town. Since traffic was heavy, we decided to get lunch before continuing toward the bridge/traffic apex. The first place we approached gave no indication of having anything gluten free, but they had sunny tables and lobster rolls, and we had a loaf of bread in our car (thanks to the raisin bagel shopper) and thought the kitchen could probably doctor something up.

So good.

So good.

It turned out they had gluten free rolls! WE WERE SO HAPPY.

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Triple exclamation point is right!!!

And then it turned out they had GF ice cream cones. And then it turned out they had two kinds of GF ice cream cones. (No negative spin available.)

And we met this dog.

And also on this trip we met this dog.

Bigfoot say other thing

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