Pour Votre Protection

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I am not sure this illustration will make sense, even at the very end of the post: “diabetes education is like a reapplied crotch-protection sticker on a pilly old bathing suit.”

How T1 children learn healthcare, without too much afraid?

This week, Bigfoot attempt teach Bubs vital lesson “low blood sugar is an emergency; high blood sugar isn’t.” Try teach little bit re why, try explain maybe ketone could become emergency, but low BG very immediate problem. Try teach with talk. With give example. Bubs not seem absorb Bigfoot so wise lesson.

Evidence not absorb: so if you feel low, and you don’t have a meter handy, you should go ahead and eat sugar, because a low could make you very sick very fast. Bubs give horrified look/say No, that’s okay, I’d just wait until I could get to my tester.

Meanwhile, reader may not aware Bubs star improvisational comedy series Linda’s Secret. Linda’s Secret begin when embarrassed Bubs run out of room during Victoria’s Secret holiday tv advertisement. Re-enter room ask, Guys, what was that Linda’s Secret ad about? Strike Jack/Bigfoot/Bigfoot Spouse hilarious. BSpouse lay on thick, old-school Cranston accent, “Hi. I’m Linda. And this is my Secret.” (Nasal HOY. Oim LINder. An dthis iz MOY seeycrett.)

Now Bubs share esoteric knowledge via sporadic Linda’s Secret skits. Example for dinner: ketchup in glass bottle vs. plastic bottle audio less farty. I’m Linda. I love farting, and I want my ketchup to fart too. And that’s my secret. Example while sort laundry: how fold bra. I’m Linda. Put one bowl inside of the other and bunch in the strings. And that’s my secret for keeping your bras tidy. Example in bathroom: Always wipe thoroughly after going number two. I’m Linda, and I learned this secret the hard way.

Meanwhile, meanwhile, TODAY eccentric gift-giver surprise Bigfoot no holiday/reason. “I thought this swimsuit(1) would look magnificent on your exquisite figure(2). It’s brand new(3).” Pardon Bigfoot. Realize so rude look gift horse mouth. And yet. After gift giver leave, BF & BSpouse spend few moments dissect ridiculousness of gift:

(1) Bigfoot never swim. “This swimsuit” for athlete lap-swimmer style, not lazy beach-lounger skirt bikini

(2) Bigfoot not exquisite figure AND definitely not exquisite to tune this suit: size 12/38″ bust

(3) Swimsuit no tags, obviously used, linty crotch-protective sticker placed cockeyed over pilly, wrinkled swimsuit crotch

Although Bigfoot complete bitch toward well-meaning, oblivious gift-giver, that not point here. Point is: Bubs absorb all. Hours later, Linda’s Secret performance begin.

Hi. I’m Linda. And this is my secret. I just love to buy used bathing suits and then go into Target to peel crotch stickers off of new bathing suits and put the crotch stickers on my collection of dirty old bathing suits. It’s so much fun. Don’t tell anyone. With your exquisite figure you should really learn Linda’s secrets. I tried this Speedo on with no underpants! Shhh. Just put a sticker on the penis area and no one will know.

Too bad Linda no secrets re hypoglycemic emergency. Now Bigfoot strategy teach hypo/hyper emergency priority = accidental-on purpose overhearage of facts. That Bigfoot secret.

Detail

Detail of grime.

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24 responses to “Pour Votre Protection

  1. Oh My God. I cannot believe someone actually gave you that as a gift?! That is beyond disgusting!!!

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  2. g

    EW EW EW ….EWWWWWW! But well worth the LS skit!? I’m hoping!!! HE is so cute!!! btw…i know NOTHING about T1, but would telling him before he was diagnosed that you would just feed or juice him to get him back to feeling okay help? it wasn’t until he went high that you took to hospital? or do those not correlate at all! Total lay person’s trying to help simplify a very unsimplified situation!

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  3. It’s ok to be above wearing a used swimsuit. I am. I equate that to wearing used underwear. I’m going to be shocked by this for a while. =)

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  4. Sara

    I thought I had the worst gift giver. She just buys me crappy stuff though, never a used bathing suit. My favorite was the heavy ceramic flower pot (12″ diameter or so) filled with lotions and soaps. Would be an an awesome gift I suppose, if I did not fly in and out of town for the holidays.

    Hmm… would other people with diabetes telling Bubs the same thing help him believe? Let us know if we can help.

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  5. That is weird. I mean it’s one thing to give a slightly used bathing suit to a really close friend under the following situation: hey, I got this bathing suit and I wore it once but it fits weird and I thought it might work for you… But to give a bathing suit as a gift? New or used? Kinda weird. And the thought of the gift-giver touching dirty crotch protector just to spruce it up…well, I guess in a weird kind of way you can take that as a sign of how much he/she must really like you…?

    Re: the low thing. I just told Ella that it’s a lot easier to correct taking sugar for a low that turns out to be not a low than it is to try to bring up a low that’s too low. I tell her to eat the sugar first, then test…even if a meter is handy. Especially since she usually doesn’t feel low until she hits 50’s or 40’s.

    So then the other day her cousin comes down the stairs and says that Ella feels so low she feels like can’t walk. I run upstairs with juice in hand and shove it down her throat. Then Test. 72. 72!!! Seriously?? Sigh. Dosed for 10 carbs.

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  6. Katie

    I almost woke-up the baby by laughing BF- I was totally not expecting Linda’s Secret. “Crotch stickers” and “penis area”… Seriously, I wish we lived closer, Bubs and Joey are from the same crazy cloth. I don’t know how to help you, help him. I wish I did…

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  7. Grody. I hope gift giver person doesn’t read your blog though. ;)

    That Linda’s secret stuff was adorable. Gosh kids can be so cute sometimes.

    If bubs is anything like miles, rules are Rules, so if the rule is, “Test when you feel low” it would be impossible for him to eat the candy. Not that it makes sense, but this is just what its like with him. The only way to fix this kind of stuff for Miles is change the rules.

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    • OOH—>So far she doesn’t read this here blog, and I don’t know how she would ever stumble across it. And I thought if somehow she *did* see this, she would probably just laugh at me for being this uptight about a little bit of dirty crotch on a used, big-boobs, weird style bathing suit passed off as brand new and chosen especially for me.

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    • Your rules idea is brilliant. I am going to tell him tomorrow that the official rules have changed. That’s the way to go.

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  8. Wow. I don’t even know what to say here except that I am so entertained by 1) the whole Linda’s secret skits and 2) trying to wrap my brain around that gift. :-)

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  9. Nicole P

    Oh, dear. That is all I have to say about the bathing suit thing. It did make me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Still not as gross as the crotch cover thing.

    On the low thing, it is so tough to explain that particular thing without going into scary business… Need to think on it, but not sure I’ll have any worthwhile advice. (Fail, sorry… :( )

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  10. If you experienced any problem with heavier than expected site traffic, it was probably just me reading this 1 million times yesterday and again this morning. Why is this so funny? Every time I read it it gets funnier.
    Currently cracking up over “That Bigfoot secret.” This and the one your wrote about the mr. Bean cashier are two of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

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  11. i know i am prone to embellishment but believe me when i say i literally, LITERALLY laughed out loud at the beginning of the linda’s secret skit scripts and it was that weird kind of rolling laugh that gets louder and softer depending on the hilarity of what you’re reading? and then actual tears came to my eyes when i got to the “shh just put a sticker on the penis area” part because seriously? seriously. this post will bring me joy for years to come, i already know it.

    is the cranston voice a little gravelly? in my mind it is. oh boy.

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