Eye Cookies! Also available for vasectomies and hedgehog christenings.
Why this not more fun? Sorry too heavy. Bigfoot crushing feeling on heart and brain—should be more fun. It life. Last night up all night for BG>300, not go down. Bigfoot, Bigfoot Spouse watch Bill O’Reilly/Jon Stewart debate 3AM-4:30AM. It not fun. Even plus side of use blood ketone meter not lift spirit.
Think Bubs sleep through traumatic night but recall everything: Daddy came and gave me a shot with a syringe and it HURT! Then you came in to change my site. Then Daddy came and changed it again! Then I could hear you watching something on your computer and I couldn’t fall asleep. Then you wouldn’t get up to make oatmeal.
Only fun part: pick up Eye Cookies for friend drop knife though foot. Bigfoot and Jack go to deliver Eye Cookies platter, no one home, leave on milk box, come back because afraid squirrels bust into package/ruin effect. Knife victim neighbor smoking cigar front lawn did you have the wrong house?
BIGFOOT: No, I just got anxious about squirrels breaking into the package (imagining Eye Cookies of squirrels on a cookie platter)
CIGAR MAN: Yeah, they’re rough
BIGFOOT: You wouldn’t be willing to keep these cookies in your house until they get home, would you?
CIGAR: Oh, no. I don’t think so. I’ve been trying to get a petition going to get your friends kicked out of the neighborhood
BIGFOOT: …(not sure he’s kidding)…
CIGAR: With all of their parties…bunch of swingers…and those three beautiful children—that should be a crime
BIGFOOT: (confident he’s kidding, walks toward him with the cookie platter)
CIGAR: No, no (waving with non-cigar hand) I can’t. My wife’s inside. With hospice care. I can’t imagine bringing cookies in there
BIGFOOT: (trying to imagine a hospice Eye Cookie) I am so sorry
CIGAR: Don’t be! It was nice talking to you
Lately Bubs low. So try -10% temp basal. Seem pretty good. Decrease basals for real. Seem right. Until last night persistent high. But maybe because bad site. Now low again. Low again w 30g CHO freebie snack incl. apple cider. Uneasy. Picture this phase in Eye Cookies: meter display “49,” apple cider w/ striped straw, bloody finger, syringe.
After Ryan S. die, even though not know Schuhmachers for real, begin little bit obsession. Imagine how same situation unfold for Bigfoot. Begin fear lose health insurance. Decide need find legit job for back-up health insurance in case spouse die. Then seem not even illegit job remain. Then imagine run out money. Then low BG. Then realize impossible find/start legit job when so tired, when need special school hours + freedom leave work for fix pump/sites/bubbles/batteries. Then apply money-save strategy of purchase $18 toilet paper BJ’s, get 4 free box Puffs sans lotion, even though everyone prefer lotion type. Then high BG. Then Bill O’Reilly/Jon Stewart debate. Nothing bring imaginary dead husband back—even w living spouse beside Bigfoot, feel afraid for health insurance. Then try look up rules and laws pension/death benefits. Find nothing nice.
Don’t we have fun?
So, so tired. Know only sleep restore sanity/brain function/optimism/possibility fun. Maybe sleep during school tomorrow? That not really fit in with idea of find legit job. Ideally would have job 15+ years, able nap under desk, no one notice.
Very feeble attempt fun: candy corn for low BG.
BUBS: I don’t even like candy corn
JACK: I like it! Can I put some in my lunch?
Meanwhile, read this sentence somewhere: when you see me, be sure to compliment me on my sweater; that will give me the momentum to continue to exist.
Moment by moment; day by day, this is how I stop the big freaky spin out. I should stop working, I can’t quit working, what if pre-existing condition crap comes back. I’ll be fine working, no I’m not. And so on. And it’s 10:30 at night and I should be sleeping. And then I try breathing, maybe a little crying, then back to moment by moment; day by day. Sincerely, deeply, hugs. If I have another surgery, please bring me those cookies. I do, feel a pumpkin bread coming on, my Warren friend can maybe drop it off to you
there is a permanent rock on my chest. maybe this is just adulthood. hugs and pumpkin stuff to you too!
All around suckage. Except for those kick-ass cookies! We’ve had 200s and 300s for days. Just ready to sit down with some serious logging and lows all around. Ffffff. I’m the primary financial support and have the same fear about ins. My crazies go to $25 Regular or WalMart brand insulin, reusing syringes, skimming strips from the endo and apartment living. I find upping the life ins, great grandma 5:30pm napping and a fat dose of denial go a long way. Loves to you.
i’m glad i caught up with you. you’re fantastic! love and M&Ms.
Everything just sucks sometimes.
True dat.
awful day/night/24 hours. i’m sorry. AND THAT NEIGHBOR!
do you know the neighbor? he was a lot like abe, in that it was very hard for me to tell if he was pulling my leg. know what i mean?
Katy, Do you know how funny you are? How do you simultaneously express both your very real misery/anxiety/fatigue and keep your eye for the absurd? That is a gift. Sleep during school today, you bet. Today is another day.
thanks.
Oh boy, I have had the “unable to unimagine the imagined tragedy” nights. And I’ve sat doing research on such and getting myself even more twisted up than when I started. And I’ve beat myself up the next day because I knew that sleep probably would have done me some good. I found the neighbor story bittersweet. I’d like to guess he was just pulling your leg because the real answer was painful. Sleep today, rest, you have the permission of the universe – I’m sure of it. Oh, and great sweater!
permission of the universe! that’s what’s been missing.
Thought I was the only one who twisted myself up into those knots that result in no sleep. The last T1 boy who passed sent me over the edge. Seems like, I can do everything right, and I bust my tail to do so, and some how, reality is, he can still be taken from me. That realization, spun me. I really think I could have ended up off the map crazy. My only solution so far, work out, hard. Only way that sleep happens for me. THIS is what no one sees.
Geeze, and I haven’t even been thinking about kids who have died! How does everyone know about the recent T1 deaths? It’s not that I don’t believe they’re real, I just wish I could read about them—as if that would help me avoid the same fate. I’ve only heard vague hints about the stories. It’s more than one child? What is happening?
You are certifiable. If you think un-insured-ness will take you to crazytown, reading about T1 deaths is the Bullet train to c-town! The slippery slope at my house has been vaselined-up for me. To top it off, Riley’s numbers are through the roof for the past two weeks which coincides exactly with being benched from the soccer team for having two failing grades….Oh and did I mention he has his endo appointment on Thursday. Those numbers are going to be super! And this isn’t even the hard stuff. But we’re supposed to be thinking of ways for you to get some sleep and go back to ‘normal’ again. I’ll be sure to check back and see when someone has the answer for you (and me), because I sure don’t.
Except to say…you continue to blog and make me smile! Thanks for that.
Katy- Your sweater sure is pretty today. Hang in there. -Liz
If you can possibly put off going back to work for a year or two, I would do it. Work will always be there waiting for you. I agree with the poster that upping the life insurance goes a long way toward peace of mind. You and your hubs both look relatively young so get as much term on each of you as you can afford. Maybe you can figure out a way to work from home, i.e., medical billing, you probably have very good research skils on the computer, you could be a Private Investigator with your training, maybe? You need to basically sleep during the day for a few hours, and that will happen for many if not most nights as Bubs enters puberty, teen years. If you can work on the computer evenings and into the 2am hours most nights it would work out beautifully. Or part time shift work, for lawfirms, hospitals. My hat goes off to those single mothers or moms who carry the life insurance and have to work full time. I work full time but 3 days a week. Somehow we all make it work, but D is at least a part time job in itself, sometimes transitioning into a full time job. I’m sure you look great in your sweater. Doing a great job with Bubs. You can make yourself sick with worry and we are all guilty of that sometimes. Just put the negative fears out of your mind the moment they appear. Force yourself to think of something else.
your sweater is spectacular.
as are those cookies, i can’t even.
and the cigar dude? you meet such interesting people.
<3