It very simple appointment with no blood test and enough odd features to keep diabetes world fresh and exotic. Begin with: Bubs get measured centimeters; nurse offer translate result with calculator: 53.9 inches. Bigfoot say “Wow, hey, so 54 inches!” Nurse say, “Well, sure, 54 if you want to round up.” Point nine. In what math style round down move consider for point nine? Anyway, Bubs seem have grown. That nice.
Bigfoot and family escorted to exam room. It have door adjoin messy conference room. This door ajar. Bigfoot spouse give eyebrow waggle/head tilt to Bigfoot, suggest stealth peek into conference room. Bigfoot intrigued, think see someone we know, maybe celebrity James Franco. Incorrect! It Chucky doll who sit in this room. He fascinatingly terrible to see. Bigfoot try take picture, unable get good angle.
Bigfoot in control group for Chucky doll study, Bigfoot role in study reveal how much information parent absorb from human teacher unassisted by Chucky doll. Bigfoot think never have opportunity see Chucky. Now feel sad for parent in study have to work with Chucky doll. It very disturbing. Imagined he more freckly, wide-eyed like ventriloquist use. This doll much worse than imagined. Leaders of this study must feel, “We sure fucked up with this hideous dummy, but I guess things will look even worse if we stop the study halfway through!” Part of Chucky problem is skin texture and tone of death. Other issue is, although he dressed in jeans and a graphic tee from Lands’ End, also have thick foamy neckbrace, as if misfortune of whiplash added to Chucky backstory, possibly to make seem weaker/ less terrifying.
After one hour wait, but who counting, Endocrinologist enter exam room with whoosh of enthusiasm, Bubs shyly lean against father, hide his face against neck in casual, “I’m not afraid, this is just how I like to stand” pose. Doctor say, “So! How’s it going?”
DOCTOR: Really? Are you kidding me? I want you to tell me what you hate the most
DOCTOR: Does it sting?
DOCTOR: So! On a scale from zero to ten, where zero feels great and ten is the worst thing you’ve ever felt in your life, how does it rate?
BUBS: About a…six
DOCTOR: You tell your parents to roll that bottle of Lantus between their hands for a little while before injecting it. You’re not keeping it in the fridge are ya? You want to warm that up a tiny bit.
Next doctor and Bubs have conversation about not important eat at regular times, just match insulin to carbs, everything fine, don’t let parents make you eat if you don’t feel like it. In Bigfoot world, children must eat balanced breakfast before school. In endocrinologist world, children must eat doughnuts at all time of day so they not feel deprived of normal childhood. At one point in this discussion, Doctor used phrase, “doughnut after freakin’ doughnut” and Bubs looked shocked. Whisper to me, “She said freakin’ doughnut.” After spouse and Bubs left (Bigfoot stay behind to participate in Chucky/no Chuck study) endocrinologist apologize with a guffaw for saying “fucking doughnut” in front of Bubs. Now even Bigfoot shocked. Permanent image of—never mind (cinnamon sugar).
Doctor go on to say Bubs not need blood sugar test so, so often, now only upon waking, before eating, and before bed. No need check 2 hours postprandial. Bigfoot not say it out loud, but still want to know those numbers. Tracking numbers only thing Bigfoot have for diabetes skills.
Doctor call in nurse Jean (Julianne Moore as Jack Donahghy’s ex on 30 Rock, with Malden accent and unexpected squint smiles intersperse conversation). She present Bigfoot family with two free sample from Eli Lilly Pharmeceutical company: insulin delivery pen allow for half-unit precision.
These pens large fountain pens, fake leather boxes with fake velvet interior, snap-shut case. Bubs thrilled with this technology. Name on box say “Luxura” something—he impressed by this. Think it a Lexus for insulin.
For Bigfoot no-Chucky part of study, answer questions probably designed to be easy. Study administrator ask, “Can you describe for me what ketones are?” Bigfoot explain, “I know when they can happen, and I know what to do about them, but I honestly have no idea what they actually are.” Study administrator sigh. “I am sure I told you this when we first met in the hospital.” Bigfoot have to admit not remember anything from that time.
Other question in study seem design for tell parent not page doctor on call when child throw up. Only if child throw up and have ketones. Not trace ketones, not small ketones, but only if moderate or larger. Bigfoot not remember any of that, Bigfoot plan call if Bubs throw up because will be so confused. It apparent this annoy Administrator, but it for sake of Chucky experiment, it not time to correct ignorant parent, only note ignorance on clipboard of data.
At end of questions, administrator hand Bigfoot $90 in rumpled, warm cash money–Bigfoot pretty sure Chucky himself peed on it, then put it through the dryer, creepy laugh and watch it spin dry.